At
a family level, I believe that we still carry the scars of the
several generations of advice from "experts". Ideas
such as "spoiling" a baby by attending to his/her cries,
the taboo on the family bed, over-concern for the natural body
functions of eating and elimination, and the idea that the formulated
milk of another animal could possibly replace the nutrition and
nurturing that come from a mothers breast have come from theorists,
mostly men, and reflect a deep distrust of our instincts, as well
as an incredible hard-heartedness toward our offspring.
The tide is turning, though, with Benjamin Spock, the author of
what was the parenting bible for our parents, saying, in 1974,
that child educators had "during the last few decades, greatly
undermined parents’ self-assurance on knowing what is best
for their child." The trend towards gentle birth practices
has had a flow-on effect, and women reclaiming their instincts
and power in birth are more likely to trust their baby and their
body in mothering as well. Breast feeding, which is now more supported,
enhances the instinctual and hormonal connection between mother
and baby, and, formally or informally, can create a sisterhood
and support network with other nursing mothers.
This "new" style of parenting works because it is what
we are designed for, physiologically and developmentally. We are
not a "caching" species, adapted to long absences from
our mothers in nests and burrows; such animals do not cry (or
they would attract predators) and their milk is extremely high
in protein and fat, to sustain the young for long periods. We
are in every way much closer to the continuous-feeding, carrying
mammals, as our babies remind us when they cry to be carried,
to be fed frequently, and to be nestled up against our bodies
in sleep. In fact continuous carrying (usually in specially designed
slings and carriers), frequent and extended breastfeeding, and
co-sleeping are the norm in most non-western cultures, and westerners
are often amazed by the levels of quiet contentment among these
babies.
There is an increasing wealth of research and writing supporting
these practices, starting with John Bowlby’s classic book
on attachment between mothers and babies in 1969; his findings-
that secure attachment between mother and baby in infancy predicts
later emotional security and independence- have been validated
many times in contemporary research. Ashley Montagu, in his book
"Touch; the human significance of the skin", makes an
impassioned plea for extended mother-baby contact. There are also
many contemporary writers in this area such as William Sears,
an American paediatrician who coined the phrase "attachment
parenting", and who documents the wisdom of parents "wearing"
their babies. Tine Thevenin’s writing on "The family
bed" lends support to parents who find that co-sleeping works
well for them, and, with many others, disspells the myth that
co-sleeping increases the risk of Sudden Infant Death. (In fact,
some of the lowest rates of SIDS are found amongst cultures where
co-sleeping is the norm; however smoking, alcohol or drug use
by a co-sleeping parent does increase this risk.) Mothering magazine,
from the US, covers all of these areas and more, in support of
gentle parenting choices.
This style of "attachment" parenting does not guarantee
conflict-free parenting. In fact, because of a robust self esteem,
children reared in this way will often argue and disagree, and
in this way, attachment parenting can challenge parents to develop
more democratic family dynamics. However discipline, I believe,
begins with love and attachment, and attachment parenting, by
keeping us in tune with our children, helps us sort out major
from minor misdeeds and reminds us to keep a wider perspective
on our children’s behaviour.
Sarah
is a GP (family physician), an internationally published writer
on pregnancy, birth, and parenting, and mother to four home-born
children. Click
here for more of Sarah's writing on gentle birth and gentle
parenting, and for information about her upcoming book, Gentle
Birth, Gentle Mothering: The wisdom and science of gentle choices
in pregnancy, birth, and parenting.
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